i've gone a couple times to my ex's place, the place where we lived together in those final years, the place where i've lived the longest with her, to get some of my things, the last of my things. we were always very bad when it came to moving and unpacking. we simply didn't. we would have boxes in the closet or garage. i've been going to pick up those boxes. tonight should've been my last trip to get the last of the boxes. i knew i had a few of them. i offered to help clean out the garage and get my things. she said she'd do it herself and when she came across my things, would set them aside for me. it took awhile to be able to set a date to get the stuff and i didn't want to prolong it anymore, just felt this urgency to do it now.

i arrived with my cousin to help me. i was surprised at a couple things. supposedly it's been taking so long because she's been cleaning and sorting. however, it was very unorganized and several items she had set aside as mine were in fact her sister's. i checked some of my boxes and unloaded the things that were actually hers. also, the vibe was very bad there. you could feel the anger in the air. the two of them absolutely hated me and did not want me there. they didn't have to say it. i feel like if it had been reversed, or if this had been a couple years ago when we were together, and if we had arrived at someone's place to pick up some things, well she would've went off on how rude they were. instead, i'm on the receiving end of the hostility. i also have some files in a computer so i needed to get the last of those items as well.

i'm really not sure how things spiralled down to this. it makes me ill. i never understood before how people can love each other so much then hate each other so much after breaking up or divorcing. this is my lesson. to experience it so i would know it. thanks.

i suppose what's upsetting about this was that i had spent the night before going over the blue notebook. this is where i kept all the cards she had given me, love letters, and similar mementos of handwritten notes. before, i couldn't go through that thing without crying. instead, now i was able to go through it and just smile and reminisce about that young girl that was so madly in love with me. it was sweetness. that girl is long gone. it's like remembering a first love, a lost love. i gave that notebook back to my ex-. i figured, she wrote them so they belong to her. i thought it wouldn't take too long to get my things, walk away and be done with it, but done on a good note. instead, i get the opposite. it's sad.