i'm more upset and distressed than i should be right now. another moment of crying while i blog? this has got to stop. recently i went to dinner and i ran into my ex. it was funny because i didn't recognize her at first even though i was standing right behind her. it took a minute. since then, she's occupied my mind and it's driving me crazy. in my dreams, in my waking thoughts, or in my subconscious to the point where i accidentally called my girlfriend by my ex's name last night. man, after that i couldn't get out of there fast enough.

yesterday i was hanging out with my girlfriend and some casual conversation started to steer the wrong way. it was really stupid too. a stupid topic. nothing to be upset over. comparing ice skating to roller skating. but, it was a passionate thing and i couldn't really take the situation seriously so i was uncontrollably laughing. nothing i said or did helped of course. even now, any picture i paint will only make it worse. my girlfriend started to feel bad, like i was trying to upset her or make her feel stupid or something. things that her ex would do. and so i realized that maybe this is the kind of behavior that made my ex- turn on me. maybe this is me. maybe i'm a fuckup. maybe i'm just not girlfriend material. maybe i just fucking suck at everything i do. anyway, i'm spiraling downward to i miss my dog, i miss my dad, i can't do anything right, i want to bleed, i don't want to leave the house, etc. this thought pattern has to stop. it will not last long. but i can't let it start again.