only i know how to turn a nice day to a shit day in 0 to 60. winter break spoiled me, spending all that time with my new girlfriend. soon her school starts back up again and i need to give her some space so that she can do well in school. i don't want to be blamed or to be the cause of doing poorly in school. school is too important for my selfish needs. so with that in mind, i thought i'd milk the whole day. after spending time together with our dogs at the beach, i thought i'd stay for a little bit but she told me she'd rather watch tv and play games online. in a way, it felt like i deserved that in a karmic way because that's how my ex- felt that i treated her.

to back up a bit, last night we went out and had some conversation about an icky incident before we got together. i could see that my girlfriend was not happy at all, you could feel the tension, and i was shit-scared she was gonna dump me right there at the bar for stuff that happened before we were even official and that felt so wrong like I can't let it end like this, not when it's been so good. then back at her place i felt like shit because my girlfriend reveals she's upset because she feels like i lied to her. it just makes me cry. so after talking over that and then having a good day, when i was rejecting from spending a little more time together, i just went to my car to cry before i could drive off. i had to send my sadness to the universe and my girlfriend starting texting me but i wanted to keep my distance and wallow in my tears, plus i am not fond of talking on the phone. i can't acknowledge the situation, it's not a fight, so there's no need to make up for it or check on me. i need to keep my distance. i was spoiled. school is starting. i take a shower without checking my messages which causes a bit of a freakout and then things get sorted with a shitload of txts. i can't even write this without crying. i never meant to hurt her or lie to her. i'm just too self-absorbed and fucked up.