i'm crying as i type this and it's not just because i cut up an onion tonight for dinner. after dinner, i'm catching up my rss feeds as usual and i read an article entitled "the perfect breakup?". it's a good read. i agree with a lot. i'm still dealing with my breakup though i feel like i've gone over the major hurdle, especially with the last fight we had. i had hate growing in me from the day i found out about the affair. that was 9 months ago. i gave birth to the hate and it was really ugly. now i'm fine. i needed to release it. it's over, i'm really sorry, and it's over.

reading the article, it was like yeah yeah i agree with all this. it was fine. i know people going through relationship hurdles as well, of letting go and trying to move on. so i felt like maybe there was something in the article that they could use too. and then i reached the damn end and i realized this was for me. "there wasn’t anything you could have done differently." and i'm crying.. i hope this is the last of the process. after making up over the fight, maybe somewhere deep inside i had some (false) hope that we could heal and get back together in the future. it's so wrong! maybe it's natural to think that way deep inside but i can't think that way at all, not even subconsciously. i have to realize it was just because we both missed each other. we've been together all of our adult lives so of course we miss each other. it's just so hard at times because i really believed that she was the person i was gonna spend the rest of my life with, the person i was gonna marry and get the white picket fence and a baby or at least a mammal as a pet. and it's all gone. that part of me died and i mourn for it.

however, i have given birth to a new person. i have a new job. not one i took to make her life better but my life better! there's other things i plan on doing for myself this year and next year. this is the new me. this is the adult me. but then i also doubt, is this who i really am? i've slept with 3 different people in the past week and i'm just wondering what the hell has become of my life. compare me now to me a year ago and it's completely different. and i'm crying... crying over who i thought she was, of who i thought we were, of what i thought my life would be. and there wasn't anything i could have done differently!!! nothing... not anything. i'm all alone in this house. not even a pet mammal. not even a pet fish that i can't pet. nothing to talk back to me. nothing to say it's ok. nothing to comfort me. nothing... just my tears. not even tissue. just my tears, my words, and my guitar. guess i better write that breakup album real soon but i can't. i need to be a good mrs. doodiekins first. and cry...