it's really over now between us. i may have said that before. i may have said that i let go and have moved on. but i was lying to myself. i said what i knew needed to be said but not what i felt deep in the depths of my soul.

yes, we had periods of living together post-breakup even though i had moved out. yes, we were still friends hanging out to the point it was like we were still together. yes, i would visit her place and remember that i had lived there and could only see it still as my place, my stuff, my girl, etc. yes, we were still hooking up even though we were dating other people. it was all very blurry and confusing.

but now, that's over. i had tried too much to force things, to say i'm over it, to do symbolic acts, to talk one last time, kiss one last time, etc. this time, i wasn't even thinking about it. there was some minor drama going on so i stopped by to see what i could do to help. then we realized we both needed to eat and ended up hanging out doing errands and shit. we opened up a lot during the whole day and said things we've been holding back. towards the end, i was just sobbing. i've realized so much. all this pain i've had in the relationship was stemming from something and it's wrong to blame the other person but i think i've always known the source of this pain. i was not fully allowed to be myself in the relationship. that forced me to be moody, act out, just be a bitch in general. plus there is the in-law drama. all of this has been going on for years. it's far too late for me to see or approach them in any other way. it's never going to feel comfortable. i'm never going to feel welcomed by them. it's one thing to hear your friends tell you they've been waiting for the breakup or didn't understand why your relationship lasted as long as it did, but it's another to hear your ex- tell you of when they would confide in others, especially from early on in the relationship. with that i realize that it wasn't as great as i thought. it didn't work then and it doesn't work now. i can let go. it's with a heavy heart but i let go. it really is for the best. i think it's very possible that we could always be friends. i don't think it's possible that we could be more than that. to be best friends hurts both of us. no one we date would be able to understand that. you can't be best friends with your ex-. and that only opens up the possibility to more blurring and confusion and jealousy in the future.