ok, things with my ex- have gone too far now. i totally set myself up in this position and i take full responsibility but it just fucking sucks. we hung out together yesterday and today. both times, it was going just great until the very end when i messed it up.

yesterday, we went to a club and i only invited her to go because i thought that if she found out i went without her and not even invited her, she'd be mad. so i was being polite. i didn't think she'd accept as she has sworn off going to that part of town but she accepted. we went, we danced, we basically had a good time. however, i've been feeling low recently. in some way i'm over being dumped and moving on with life. except, now i'm back to the depression i felt as a teenager. that nobody loves me, i'm ugly, no one is interested at all, why is it this way, etc. and my ex- just couldn't help me with that. i started to tear up at the club and i just couldn't be there any longer. i wanted to understand certain things. sometimes i still think about things and i get frustrated. she made a comment that really pissed me off, about not having to understand everything. i don't need to understand everything, i just need to understand some things that are fundamental in my life that completely shattered.

in some way i was lonely, didn't want to talk, just didn't really want to be alone. she went to drop me back off at home and i don't know why but the tears just started and then my frustration kicked in because she wasn't helping me. i just wanted some kindness. some attention. so i threw the shirt i had been holding and using as a tissue, then i threw my phone. the shirt completely cushioned the phone's landing and neither object was thrown very far. but this pissed her off royally. i don't understand! why is she allowed to do that and i'm not? she throws her phone all the time in frustration and i'm always telling her to throw something less expensive.

today, i apologized for how i was last night and wanted to go out to lunch to make up for it. i had been craving some japanese food so we went to have it. while out and about, we decided to do some karaoke. i was having fun doing songs i've never done before. some of it was challenging. i really need to work on reading japanese again. i've been so out of it. but i did a lot of songs in english as well. anyway, things were going just fine until i dropped her off at home and then i was just hit over the head with the depression again. i couldn't drive. i just was parked in my car, trying to fight the tears but not successfully. it wasn't very long before my ex- had to leave her place to go somewhere and she saw me in the car crying. she couldn't help me again.

i was just so frustrated. and i took it out in txt msgs. i don't remember everything i said but her fear has been that i will hate her. i hate so much some things she has done. i couldn't help it. all that bottled frustration. so i told her in spanish that i hate her. i said i'm gonna crash my car. again, this is something she can say but i can't. when she gets frustrated and depressed, she tells me she's gonna crash her car. i should stop imitating her because it just gets blown out of the water. i was speaking much more figuratively of my pain, that i feel like crashing my car. i don't have any intentions of suicide. in fact i kinda am very excited about my life right now. i'm still a little sad over the girl i just lost because it fell flat before it ever took off. and i think that coupled with listening to so many songs by the manic street preachers, especially the lyrics by richey edwards that are so much about pain that i can identify with, well i think that just helped the deluge of confusion and emotions that put me into the state that i was in.

however, what really drove me insane was that she called my mom and brother again to tell them i'm gonna kill myself and so then my mom called me and was mad at me for whatever i may have said to her. what the fuck!??! i can't stand it when she calls my mom. this is the second time. and why isn't my family on my side? this is ridiculous. please don't bring in other people and worry others needlessly. i lost it at that point so i sent her messages in every conceivable way to stop calling my mom and tried to explain some things but i was just flailing. i thought she might be ignoring me in one way so i'll break through in another way. of course, sending out so many messages just makes me look crazy. finally i get word back from her that she never wants to see me again, etc. i am so annoyed right now. i don't understand how things got to this way. i really don't understand certain things. i'm trying not to let our recent months or last months of our relationship cloud the entire relationship, but my fucking world collapsed and i'm trying to rebuild. i just don't want to rebuild a faulty house again. that's why i wanted to hear from her why i suck. i just couldn't understand how someone could fall in love with me when i'm just being myself. and then when i'm just being myself, how could that same someone not like me anymore...did i change? did they change? did the illusion shatter? i didn't really proceed to answer my own question. i was just focused on the initial question... it's just that i have to keep these things in mind even if i've been told before. as i rebuild myself and my life, i don't want to be as flawed as i was before. but i can see that i'm just as flawed if not more so.