last night was not good.. not good at all. i want to say that i hit rock bottom because i just can't go any lower, although i wasn't really meaning to do it, just wanted love and attention from my ex-. what was different this time was that my brother and mother were called over. they saw a side of me they've never seen. my mom was telling me in japanese to stop doing scary things. she put the knife away back in the drawer but i know it's dirty. i don't know how long the blood will be crusted on there until i wash it off but i can't look at it right now, even if there's hardly any blood on it. my mom left and came back to drop off some food for us since we were staying up talking.

i talked over some things with the ex- and eventually she left and it was just me and my brother. for the ex-, i was going crazy because i had stuff i had to confess. i've been bad again. i've learned things that have driven me crazy. it explains my behavior a lot. i knew if i confessed, i would lose her forever this time. however, that's not quite what happened. of course she was super upset with me, but she didn't smack me or walk out on the spot, which is a very good sign. i put some of my emails in the trash and some of my files in the trash on my computer and made her empty them both out. now those are gone and my mind can be at ease. but she also said something that really got to me. i wanted to know why she didn't break up with me before, what held her back. she said she was afraid of this, what i was doing now. that just made me sick in a way, fuck you, i'm done, that sort of thing. i really don't need that kind of person in my life, i mean, that you were just hanging on because you thought i'd kill myself otherwise. you're really not worth it. for my brother, i thought he was gonna yell at me or talk specifically about what just happened or things about me and my ex-. instead he talked about himself. i learned things i never knew about him. i learned you really cannot judge anyone. you cannot make a quick judgment or joke or criticize or anything like that. you have no idea what the other person has been through. no fucking idea. i'm sorry to have judged him before. there are also some things that you think is a problem for one gender only. i took some worries for granted. i'm kinda saddened but ok. just like a reality check. i know that i can't be like this; i don't want my life like this.