operation get her back: fail [uncoupling]
i am ending "operation get her back". i'm done and out by the end of this weekend. i won't try anymore. i won't take her back in the future. but i don't know if we should still be friends. if i could still be friends. we are so fucking attached to each other. we're the first person we turn to for everything. it's incredibly hard not to want to text and email them constantly with every little joke we find amusing or web site we find interesting or just venting or seeking comfort, etc.
it's hard to let go of your best friend for 1.5 decades. maybe letting go completely is the wrong thing to do. maybe not letting go completely will prevent me from ever moving on to the person i'm really meant to be with. maybe the breakup is a mistake. maybe saying i won't ever take her back is a mistake. both of us are so unsure about things but she is sure that right now she needs to see other people. and i am sure that a person who could do that after all we've been through is not the person for me.
i really do want to know love and happiness again but right now suicide just seems so much easier. it's not the answer. but it just seems like such a fucking romantic ending to problems i find overwhelming.
Comments
Chica, i've been reading your blog these last few days (found it through myspace) and my heart breaks for you. I read this last entry yesterday and I remember what the pain is like when your lover leaves you. But remember this! You are worthy of a greater love. Like u said a few posts back you had reasons to leave before - u were just blinded by love. Yeah time will make the pain lessen, but you have to want to heal. I went through my own breakup a few years ago. I was miserable beyond belief, i mean c'mon i had given up my baby for many reasons but one of them to keep my Adam. And then I found out he cheated after I left santa cruz. It was a pain beyond belief, I begged pleaded and called like you wouldn't imagine. But then one day someone said something to me that changed the way i felt. I don't remember what their words were, but it was something about me valuing myself. I was so broken, I didn't even realize that I couldn't see how little value i was placing on myself. But I started thinking about all the good things I've done, how many accomplishments i've had and I realized I would be ok with or without this person in my life. Long story short - i stopped calling, i started making friends and i found things to keep myself busy. And what do you know? He got scared, realized that I had found out how great I was and how I didn't need him. He came back - things have never been the same, but our relationship has evolved. It took time and a lot of forgiveness, but it can happen. Even now i know that if we were to divorce I would be ok. Reading your blog, makes me realize how little I knew about you even though i worked with your roomate for 3 yrs! Truly you are amazing, wonderful, glorious and accomplished. You've done so many things you've set out to do and not many of us can say that. So hang in there and keep your chin up. I read once " Consider it joy when you encounter trials, knowing that the testing produces patience. Let patience have its perfect work so that you may be perfect lacking nothing." Don't worry this too shall pass :) Big Hugs!
Posted by: Betsy | June 6, 2009 11:44 AM