i decided i want to heal things and give it another shot. i don't think i can reconcile months or a year from now like we have discussed. once we break, we break. i think spending months or a year apart will only divide us instead of bringing us together to work out our issues and grow from it. so i decided i want to go on some small dates, no pressure, just casual and have fun and get to know each other again. we never actually dated. i want to give her those dates we missed out on. those first dates when you start to fall for someone and everything is just fun and new. we're missing that.

i mentioned this to her and she seemed excited by it. so i took her out for date #1 tonight. a simple dinner at a vegan restaurant of course. it was kind of fun talking like we didn't know each other. sometimes we would just say silly things because we know the truth. sometimes it felt like we were on a job interview. i also felt bad for not taking her to a proper birthday dinner and getting her a birthday present. so i combined it. i said this is your birthday dinner and i gave her a small gift. we had fun.

we went home and talked and the date kind of fizzled out. she had to make some calls to her relatives, with whom there is much much tension and stress at the moment. and then she got sick, real sick. it wasn't pretty but i was there for her like i always have been. so that was a downer to the evening but i'm looking forward to all the future little dates. i can't get too excited though. even if i think of things to do, i must take it slow and realize that the next date may never come.