i am missing something, have been for over a month. (actually it's several somethings but this one is particularly important or else i could get a ticket everytime i drive and i'm tired of being a prisoner in my own home for fear of getting a ticket.) i haven't torn apart my room yet but i started digging around a lot more. i came across a paper i had hidden just out of sight. it's something i wrote when i was upset at how things were going in my relationship. i don't remember exactly when i wrote it, in the past 6 months perhaps? maybe a little longer than that. 1 year tops. anyway, i read each line and digested it. it was like a wake up call. right now i can only think of the good things. this note was warning me not to forget the not so good things.

someone has asked me, since i'm so upset over all this, "is she really that good of a girlfriend?", and i said, "yes, except for one thing". it's that one thing that is a really biggie: being faithful. and i've also read the cliché that if you broke up with someone then the relationship is broken and that you were never really meant to be together, things like that. but i couldn't really accept such things. at least, not until i read my own warning from the past. it reminded me that things were not perfect and i actually had quite strong issues on certain things. true that those are part of the things that they need to work on for us to be together again in the future, but reading the note really drove home the "again in the future" part because i had been so focused on reconciling now. the things i wrote in the note were such a powerful blow to me that i'm actually having doubts about a future reconciliation. i just don't think they can provide the kind of happiness i want in a relationship. no tears thinking such thoughts. just an epiphany.