well i did it. i confessed too. i knew about the cheating because i did something horrible. i spied on her email. not everyday, just the time i did it happened to have great timing. i knew something was up and happened to check the day after she wrote to him. grrr. the words were very painful for me to read. every other sentence stabbed me in the heart or back. that is why i prodded and poked on monday and did some other things as well. it caused me to do some more things today. some things that i thought i shouldn't do because it will ruin any chance of holding onto our friendship. some things that i felt would make me feel good but make her feel like shit and hate me. i thought i'd do it just for therapy and hold onto these things i'd made and maybe never use them. or maybe use them when we move out. but i was so bubbling inside with these feelings and thoughts today that i was actually having panic attacks. therefore, i couldn't hold onto them. i had to present them. and that is how we both sunk to our lowest points. the cheater got caught and knows that they got caught beyond what they think they got caught with. and i, the pathetic fool, behaved stupidly. i admitted my guilt of checking email and lost a great deal of trust between us. i presented a flyer, if you will, that i made. a collage of him i made from photos from the net with my warning message at the top. i thought the pictures showed how he's not a good guy but a player and warning not to get played. because you see i have a fear that she will try to make it work with him. i feel that's foolish and we've been foolish enough. i'm an audio-visual person so i also made an audio piece besides this visual. however, i didn't present it, just told her about it. and perhaps it's too terrible to share so i'm not saying what it was. but it will bite me in the ass later, i know, i know...

my injuries

and even after all this, i look in her eyes and wonder why it is that she does not get and cannot be monogamous. is it really so hard? i feel like she cannot truly imagine how she would feel if the tables were turned. (there's a little more to it than that but totally private.) i got so frustrated with her inability to ever be monogamous that my old bad habits of handling rage crept out. that is when i hit my new low. i kicked around the box of tissues but that was not enough. i took the dirty clothes basket and whacked it on the floor until it cracked and pieces shattered, the hard plastic bits cutting up my hand and i didn't even realize it. i walked over into the hallway, threw myself onto the floor with a loud thud, and let my hands drape over the top of the stairs. that's when i realized they were wet and it was blood. oh shit. what have i done?! i rinsed them off in the sink but there was more blood then i've ever had from a wound before yet it wasn't really that bad. i was afraid of the bruises and swelling that will happen tomorrow. why don't we have ointment and bandages readily available? why are our first aid materials old and useless? i was freaking out enough that she came to see and was so frustrated and freaked out that she was tearing apart the cabinet for first aid items. when the bandages were thrown all over the place, that's when i knew for sure that i had gone way too far and hurt things beyond repair. so stupid. never again. never again will i lash out like this. but for now i just need your help to dress the wound. and so she did.

then i got dizzy and light-headed. i had to sit down on the toilet. i've never fainted in my life but god... i fainted. i was on the dirty bathroom floor and trying to drift into sleep, thinking i was in bed. she's yelling at me to get up but i only remember "don't do this!" and wondered why she won't let me sleep in bed. she escorts me to the real bed and i don't remember what i said but she thought i said "kill me". i don't think i could have said that. after a few minutes, i was fine and got up to help her clean up the blood from the carpet though she insisted i stay in bed. i told her that i need ice and maybe some juice, like how after you donate blood you get juice. funny how i've never fainted giving blood and i lose much more blood when i donate. maybe i fainted because i was weak. i didn't really eat much all day. i barely touched my lunch and felt too bloated and panicky to eat the leftovers for dinner so i barely nibbled at it.

during this whole time i had my heartbreak playlist in the background. she got so furious at the scene and the music that she turned it off enraged. i felt bad for that. she was a mess. she can't stand it when i hurt myself. she's afraid to leave me alone. how could i do that to her? there's no excuse. nurse stimpy is always there to take care of ren when ren goes crazy. but this is the last time. this is different. not anymore. don't you know that episode where ren wants to join the dog fraternity but stimpy disguised as a dog is more accepted? and ren is so low that he tries to kill himself. then stimpy goes to his rescue and said he only did it to hang out with ren and their relationship is saved. no more.

i am only sharing this to document the lowest point in my life. i swear i will never do this again. i promise this to you and myself. and i want to apologize publicly for behaving this way. love makes you do stupid shit.

no more lyrics.