you know, for a moment i had some hope there. that maybe this wasn't really the end of my almost 14 year relationship. that they'd realize we can work through this. but i realized, no matter how much i improve on my faults, there's much more to it than that. not only are there things the other person must do for themselves that have nothing to do with me, but there's also issues i have with them. actually, it's kind of related. there are things that have bothered me before, that i've simply repressed in the past few years. they made some improvements and however minor/major it was, it pleased me enough that i couldn't leave. whether i was too scared or didn't want to hurt, i stuck by because in the end, everything was just too good overall. but i can't live like a teenager anymore, or pretend that the world hasn't changed. i'm living in the here and now and must live like that. i am who i am and i am proud of that. and i can only be with someone who feels the same. somehow, some part of me feels like this is something straight people don't really have to go through so they can't understand it, which is why i really want to be around the glbt community for support. and of course later on, to party!

anyway, what i did today to help me overcome my moments of weakness was write out a list--that's so fucking typical me! in the morning i think i sunk a new low in my weakness of interpreting things. just ordinary things perhaps and i try to twist it to see how things will go back to the way they were. pure fantasy and that must stop. so what i did was write out a list so that i can read it in moments of weakness and remind myself that i must be stronger and move on. these are things that pissed me off or broke my heart, basically moments that hurt and made me consider ending the relationship. all of this is a reminder that i will never let her break my heart again. never again! i can keep adding to the list if i remember anything but i got 13 things down and those are pretty solid things. i'm not sure which hurts the most. a lot of these are very personal so it's really just stuff between us, though i may have blabbed about a couple things to a very close friend or two. possibly the most recent thing is the most important thing as it weighed on my mind the most. it really drove me to a breaking point a couple times in the past year. and that is that my marriage proposal has been rejected every year since year 1. neither of us believe in getting married or having kids but i would break my rules for her. we often talk about how we would treat our fictional child and i can't imagine anyone's parental values being as close to mine as hers. now i'll never be a mother nor a wife. that's ok though, i don't believe in marrying the first person you date anyway. everyone makes a stupid relationship mistake when they are very young and often it's marriage. my young and stupid relationship just happened to last a little longer than others.

here's today's lyrics and they're by a guy who's worked with marlene dietrich so he's cool.

"i just don't know what to do with myself" by burt bacharach

i just don't know what to do with myself
don't know just what to do with myself
i'm so used to doing everything with you
planning everything for two
and now that we're through

i just don't know what to do with my time
i'm so lonesome for you, it's a crime
going to a movie only makes me sad
parties make me feel as bad
when i'm not with you, i just don't know what to do

like a summer rose needs the sun and rain
i need your sweet love to beat all the pain

i just don't know what to do with myself
i just don't know what to do with myself
baby, if your new love ever turns you down
come back, i will be around
just waiting for you, i just know what else to do

like a summer rose needs the sun and rain
i need your sweet love to beat all the pain

i just don't know what to do with myself
i just don't know what to do with myself
baby, if your new love ever turns you down
come back, i will be around
just waiting for you, i just know what else to do