i was gonna blog about this yesterday but something else came up. i was doing internet research for my job and came across something interesting. there is a school that offers humanitarian engineering. they teach how to do engineering projects that will make a difference in impoverished areas. i was touched by it. that's the kind of thing my life is missing. i do not know what the perfect job for me is. this is not it but it's showing me another path. i am not a scientist so i cannot do this sort of thing. but i want to help people. i want to feel good about myself at the end of the day. i don't have the money greed bone in my body. it makes me sick whenever money is involved. that is why i like working in the education area because even if i'm not a teacher, i'm helping people to learn shit to realize what it is they want to do in life. yet that's the very thing i haven't figured out. since i am more into art, perhaps i should work in that area so i can come across more possibilities for jobs that would make me happy... but there is no money in art, funding always gets cut, that's why i work in the sciences.

now that my grandfather has passed away, i have to seriously start considering what it is i want to do in life. what would ultimately make me happy. i came to LA as a stepping stone to figure that sort of thing out, like what is my next direction? to get a fresh start. in the meantime, being in LA would be go because that's where my family is and i would be able to get to know my grandparents before they died. well now, one has passed. i'm sure my grandmother will live for several more years as she is healthy and i must make stronger family efforts but still the questions must be addressed seriously: what would make me happy? (and am i good at it and can i live off of it?)

i wasn't a film major in the filmmaker sense, more digital media and film critical studies. but recently i've met people who are able to live off of freelance work. it's more just showing me living proof of that it can be done. sounds great but honestly completely indie, completely on your own camera and sound, lugging around your own gear is not appealing to me. but some aspects of it are. i also know of other people doing arty things they love freelance and even get to travel. all sounds great but there is the talent factor. they're so much better than me! i just need to keep exposing myself to more possibilities and improve whatever skills i have that i might utilize on a new direction. i have some ideas in the works but they're too fragile to vocalize. it's more about new direction and seeing the world rather than a career change out of passion. i don't think career will ever equate to personal happiness for me. there are some social justice issues i would like to help out on but the ways i think could help the situation, i'm not sure if there's already a program in place doing that, there must be, but to find it and how i could possibly help out, i'm not so sure about.