i'm not sure if there's a magic formula for creating friendships or friendships that last. obviously there is communication, trust, likeability, commonalities, etc. but what makes a friend in the first place? how do you go from acquaintance to friend? and who are the close friends? the dear friends? the best friends? sometimes you're not sure why you continue to be friends with someone. there is sadness when you lose a friend, when friendships drift apart and you are not sure why that is so. perhaps one of the key things mentioned above has dwindled (communication, trust, likeability, commonalities, etc.).

for me it tends to be more about personalities clicking rather than having lots of things in common. my quirk about my friendships, and i've probably blogged this before, is that each friend clings to a different part of myself. each friend is a differently exploration of my personality. all of my friends hanging out together is odd and never happens just like all my personalities are never present at the same time. i do not mean that i have mental disorders. merely, that there are many facets to an individual. it's very hard for me to hang out with friends of friends because they are other facets of my friends, facets which i cannot relate to or have very little in common with. it'd be nice to have a circle of friends that can hang out together, but my life has never been like that. at most, it's a gang of 3 (me + 2 others). very rarely, it's a couples thing (2 + 2). of course, that has only come up since i've been in a relationship, not when i was growing up.

given these things into consideration, i pondered what is it about each of my friends that we are 'friends'. i don't mean what made us friends initially, but what continues the bond today. i am going to look back at each person i considered my best friend and two or three main topics: 1. what made us friends initially, 2. what made us best friends or how have things gone over the years, 3. what ended the friendship. i have previously made a small tribute to my good friends on a web site of mine years and years ago (with names and pictures!). i don't know if any of them ever saw it other than one person i specifically mentioned it too. perhaps i was too personal the last time. this will be a bit different and i will try to keep it more philosophical (anonymous--no names or pictures), if that's the right word, but my friends will still be able to figure out who they are. ^_^

since i've also noticed that my friends tend to be my age or just 1 year older, i'll include some notation on this to see if any conclusions can be made from such data.

best friend #1 (same age)
we were friends from when i was really little, before i started kindergarten. we started off as neighbors but i didn't live in that neighborhood long and moved around a lot. this put strain on the friendship. i kept in touch until i was an adult but it's hard to be close or even remain friends with someone you bonded over childish pretend games. i'm not saying our friendship was immature, simply we were immature. still, i think about this person often because like your first love, this was my first best friend. i haven't heard from this person in years but everytime her birthday rolls around, i feel bad for not being in touch. we have things in common that i didn't realize when we were friends. i think about those things now even though i don't know how her life has been to say if have anything else in common.

best friend #2 (+1 year)
the next best friend i made in elementary school but it wasn't until i was in fourth grade. we were in the same class and lived close enough to each other. we got along fabulously. perhaps my first video game friend as i recall sessions of nintendo with our siblings. again, moving around put strain on our friendship. the last time i talked to her when i was a freshman in college and she was already married.

best friend #3 (same age)
the next best friend i made when i moved to japan in sixth grade. she was in my class but started later in the year. i don't remember how we first started talking to each other or how we became friends. i just remember that the friendship was intense. plus there was a new-found independence in japan, i could take buses and go places rather than have my mother give rides. i was able to visit her by myself and once i think we went on a bus adventure and i picked the wrong bus, oops! while on a vacation, i kept in touch via letter and due to miscommunication, our friendship was terminated. it was devastating. i still ponder about this now and then.

best friend #4.5 (+1 year)
the next best friend was one of those gang of 3 things hence the 4.5. i was much closer to one girl than the other. perhaps the same for that other girl in the third wheel position. this was may be referred to as my first teenage friends. we would talk for hours on the phone. anyway, it was junior high so the reasons it started up and ended can only be understood if you were there. we had some things in common but those denominators were true for almost everyone at our school. during the course of our friendship, i did embark down a path about myself that continues to this day and in that way i am constantly reminded of our friendship.

best friend #5 (+1 year)
when i returned to america, i became friends with best friend #5. we went to the same school but that's not how we met. my brother hooked us up because of a common interest and our friendship quickly blossomed. we were so close that i remember random people walking up to me in school asking if we were best friends 'cos they always see us together. as we were friends during teenage years, one might say that we had that closeness that teenage girls have although by now i had been over the talking on the phone thing. this one is hard to write about because we are still friends. there are many things but let me just say that it is one of those cases of a strong bond that has diminished over the years.

best friend #6 (+1 year)
i don't think i considered this person my best friend at the time but i was really, really close with one of my high schools for a brief period. so much so that in retrospect we were best friends even though it was never uttered. we met in school and it wasn't because of anything for certain that i can remember. perhaps it was merely that we were both on the fringe. we were the alternative type chicks, kroq and all that. we grew close when it was the transitory stage of leaving high school and starting college period. perhaps it wasn't as intense as other friendships i have had but this was my first concert friend and possibly my first travel friend. (i can't remember traveling with anyone before her.) we are still friends but it's one of those diminished over the years things.

best friend #7 (same age)
the next best friendship was formed in college and i am tempted to write that it was my last best friend but that is incorrect. i am tempted to say that only because this person continues to be my best friend. we seemed like such an odd pair that people would ask us why we are friends. i dunno, we just clicked. what i didn't say was that nothing forges friendship like a mutual hate and we both disliked the same person. we didn't have much in common in terms of likes/dislikes but we got along like we had been friends for all of our lives. then we became partners and our likes/dislikes became the same.

best friend #8.5 (same age)
college. this was one of those couples things and the only time my best friends were male. needless to say, during this time i was growing up and learning a lot about life, relationships, etc. i didn't initiate the start or the demise of the friendship. i tagged along. two gay couples hanging out together--we must've appeared straight. at least some of us played it that way in public. the things you do for a laugh.

best friend #9 & 10 (-3 years; +1 year)
these two people are separate friendships with their own stories but there is a reason i grouped them together. i really didn't think i had anymore best friends. i thought my partner was my best friend and that was that. the two were one, not separate. but then something happened once. there was a moment when i needed to consult someone else and i reached out to two different people. it was instinctual. after i hung up the phone, i realized that i am a lot closer with those two than i even admit to myself. i think i even said something like, "i guess xxx is my best friend". it was an epiphany.

#9 has a long history. most notably, it's the first friend i have been close with that is younger than me. (i usually don't even have friends that are younger than me.) also, it's one of those gang of 3 things but with a twist because the friendship was formed while i was in a relationship so it's more like this person was the third wheel or our protege. #10 started off as a co-worker and then the friendship evolved into one of those couples things. most notably, i've never been so close to a co-worker. in fact, i am rarely friends with co-workers outside of work. we were friends since day 1 though because we realized we had some things in common. to add more facts, i have travelled with both #9 & #10. also, i am still friends with both.

there have been other people i have been really close with and if you're not on the list and offended then i apologize but i'm looking back at my life as a whole. if you were omitted, perhaps our bonding period was not as long or strong as the others on the list. i tended to list people i have been friends with for years. i think there is only one person mentioned where the friendship was one year or less.

now that i've taken the time to look back on my best friends, i think for me it's really important that personalities click and you have some common interests. otherwise you just end up talking about work and the weather, small talk that can be had with anyone. i've also noticed that spending quality time is important. for me this is eating a meal together, doing things you both enjoy together (simple stuff like movies and music), going to a few places together (for some it might be shopping, for others museums), and perhaps even traveling together. something that really brings people close together then kills it with one foul swoop though is living together. if you can survive living together, then i think your friendship can survive most anything. i have rarely been in fights with my friends. disagreements mostly, escalated to arguments on occasion, once or twice yelling, but never has there been a fist fight. from the few male friends i have, they seem to be able to maintain friendships through even physical fights. perhaps though that is just a straight male macho thing where the act of physical violence is bonding because they cannot act physical together in other ways.