the roads look like this

today was the funeral. aunt #1 drove and her husband was her sidekick. my mom and i sat in the back. my aunt likes to listen to books on tape, or these days books on cd. she put on "capital crimes" by jonathan and faye kellerman. it contained "my sister's keeper" and "music city breakdown". during the roundtrip we completed the first story and started the second story. it's crime stories, obviously. murder mystery sort of thing. let me just say how fucking awkward it was to sit there listening to it with people in their 60s plus! you know how it's awkward to watch a movie with a sex scene with your mother or grandmother? well it's like that for me and that's the best way i can describe it. the story is about a politician who is a lesbian. she has a partner and a girlfriend on the side. the writing is awful, very much written by a straight man with fantasies, but it never gets detailed, thank god!, except the victim has gonorrhea and that's key to the case. i was just sitting there, squirming, expecting them to butt in with questions or something.

we made it to the funeral home in maine, close to where my aunt had been living. they say maine is 'vacationland', they being the state license plate and my relatives. well i certainly am here on vacation. there had been some debate on a funeral or cremation but her children finally settled it seems. mostly, i think they were going for the cheapest option and you can't beat the price of the plot that they got. there was some small talk of where to bury her at first but the family's so fragmented now. even though my aunt and her children only moved out of california in recent years, it makes no sense to 'bring her home' as it doesn't seem like anyone's moving back. in fact, only 1 of my dad's siblings still lives in california. then there was talk of which city in maine. do we bury here near where she lived or somewhere more accessible for her children? but are her children going to stay in the same cities? such a fucking mess. i'm glad i didn't have to deal with that. i only have 1 sibling and i hope there's not much crap and fighting when our mom goes.

the last town of my aunt's residence is best described by her daughter as 'a shithole'. i didn't go to that city. i didn't see the trailer she had been living in. i never met her latest husband who was a total loser and is now dead too. i've just heard about these things from others. we were at the funeral home close to there. so many trees, deep in the countryside. the facade is pretty but you can tell there's nothing to do in that town or anywhere nearby. i've heard there's a lot of inbreeding, resulting in defects and health issues, which is why my aunt was able to live there because it has something to do with her profession. my grandmother decided to fork the bill for the funeral because she refuses to have her grandchildren in debt. i don't know what's going to become of my aunt's debts. that's not my decision or my problem, sorry. i would like to help in some way but i've been wrestling with this for days. i think what aunt #1 said is what i feel, that i'd help pay for the funeral but not the debts. but since my grandmother took care of the funeral costs, i feel bad for my cousins who are younger than me and in shittier positions in life because they can't have very much money or on a professional track. there's a lot of things i can't discuss publicly of course. anyway, what's done is done. if anyone wants my help or wants to move back to california, they know how to reach me.

there weren't very many people at the funeral service, in fact if we out-of-towner's had not flown in, i'd say there would have hardly been anyone. so i think it meant a lot to the surviving children that we were there for them. the top 3 criers were 2 of my aunt's children and one of her sisters. my mom cried a bit. i barely cried. i don't recall crying at all at my dad's funeral. i don't think i cried until one of her daughters made a comment that now 2 are dead so it made me think of my dad. mostly i had anger and that held back the tears. "i said i would visit, i didn't say whether you'd be alive or dead." "i'm fucking here, aren't i?!" "you fucking stupid bitch to be dead!" not exactly that but close. again i don't want to get too personal, etc. anyway, it sucks when children are left behind. it's hard to deal with a parent's death. i don't think parents can understand this. they say the death of a child is hard. since i've never had children i can be a cold-hearted bitch. have another child! adopt! foster care! at least you're still alive. but i've experienced a parent's death and i say no child should outlive their parents. at least i used to say that. now i'm older and think of my own mortality more. hoping for a long life!

the family was in the main room of the funeral home. there were some other people there in a side room. it was a small place. before the service started, i walked up to the casket and stared at my dead aunt. damn, i know people look different when they are just an embalmbed corpse but she had really changed since i last saw her. again, this is something i had heard but it's so much different to see in person that hear about or look at pictures. she really had changed. she had aged. she had gotten plump. (she was always so tall and thin.) i could write more but i won't.

the funeral service was catholic because my grandmother is and all her children were raised that way. she hired a deacon. i couldn't tell you the difference between a deacon and a friar or a priest and a whatever. i just know cardinal is higher and pope is the highest. i know those are boys and girls are nuns. i know there's a hierarchy. i know i disagree with many things regarding catholicism. once i realized i wasn't catholic, i stopped doing the sign of the cross at family gatherings during prayer stuff. i just put my hands together and closed my eyes. i don't think i bother to do anything now except be respectful by staying quiet. i looked around and saw i wasn't the only one who didn't put their hands together.

anyway, now i will say something that probably is not so nice but...the funeral service was a comedy! i had to hold myself back from leaving! the deacon had a speech impediment. i know that's not something to joke about but in this context it was hilarious! i mean, it's so serious and then comes up this guy who talks funny. it was like in "the princess bride" when the deacon is conducting the marriage and he says, "mawwage is what brings us here together today". and then the guy in charge of the home was named dick lord! good lord, you're a dick! dick lord! lord, dick! hilarious!

after the service, i went up to the casket again and thought my thoughts again. almost cried again. i looked at the picture one of her daughters had brought, one of them all together there in my aunt's trailer. then i could of patted each cousin on the head or shoulder, even if it pissed them off. i stayed there as others left. i stayed behind with one cousin. i held her hand. i told her she could tell me to fuck off. she was upset people had been taking pictures of the casket. i told her to forgive my mom, for she was one, but we have a collection of such photos, that we're making a deck of playing cards. that was my only joke. my funeral fun.

next it was the actual burial. we drove following the hearst. it was like 13 years ago at a family reunion in georgia where we went in the backwoods and trails and god knows where to various cemeteries with relatives, ancestors is more like it. this was the same in that i'll never go there again and i'll never find my way. once we got there, i thought it was a bit disrespectful to those burried to just drive on in and park but i guess that's what you do. some men were waiting to help carry her casket. some in our family were the pallbearers. i didn't want strangers to carry her body. i was going to go help but just me wouldn't have been enough, there still would have been a stranger. fuck it, i'm wearing heels anyway. let me just watch. i looked at the flowers. some people took pictures. i can't believe my uncle's wife had the children stand by their dead mother's casket and take a picture. fuck! show some respect for them and what they're going through. if you want to take a picture of them together, do it somewhere else. i wouldn't want a picture of me by my dead parent's casket!

then it was back towards the funeral home, over to the backroom of a local catholic church for a reception. i guess that's what it's called. i don't know the proper nomenclature. anyway, there we were, trying to eat some light refreshments as 'lunch'. for this vegan, i could only eat fruit, mostly of which was melon and i usually hate melon, this was no exception. that's ok, this whole trip is fucking with my sleep/eat schedule. this is not the time to voice complaints to others. i sat at the table with my grandparents. there was a chair next to me that the deacon decided to plop his butt down onto. he did his small talk. fine. but then he said something about maybe the next time the family gets together will be for a wedding and he stared at me. "is there anyone you're going with?" something like that he asked. "not anyone i'm going to marry!" more like, "not anyone you're going to let me marry!"

and then it was over. we drove home. finished up that one story on cd and so the other began. a quiet drive home. i and my aunt driving did not fall asleep but the others did for a bit. we stopped at a rest stop in maine. there are toilet seat covers in the restroom. do you realize this is the first time i've seen toilet seat covers in new england except for the boston airport?!?!!? what's up with these people and no toilet seat covers!?!?!

once we got back to aunt #1's house, her husband said we'd probably like to change clothes. i hadn't even thought of that! i only packed clothes through wednesday. i had been wearing the same stuff and now i have to put on some dirty clothes again. at least i'll wear my new shirt 'cos it's clean. and while we're at it, let's just pack up and get out of her. that was my mom's consensus. my aunt gave her directions to AAA so we could get some maps of massachusetts since we were going to sightsee concord tomorrow. tonight we would stay with my mom's friend outside of boston again. so we went and got the maps. there was a chili's nearby and i was so hungry that i asked my mom if we could eat there. so we did.

local brand of water

then it was off to my mom's friends house. she wanted to take us out to dinner to a restaurant. please let's wait, i'm still full. so we waited and then we went to kaya, a japanese-korean restaurant in cambridge where my mom's friend is quite friendly with at least one staff member there. it's run by koreans but the decor is a bit japanese. the person she is friendly with speaks a little japanese, surprisingly. in typical elder japanese living abroad fashion, my mom's friend spoke only japanese to the waitresses, who did not speak japanese. i quickly spoke in english so that they'd understand. the dinner wasn't bad. bibimbap (mine had tofu, theirs beef) served in hot cast iron bowls. and that was my day.

r.i.p. "sunny"
6/25/62-7/21/07