i wanted to send out packages we owe to people today. it was important that they go out today because today is the last day in 2006 that i can send anything. i've been holding on to some of these things for too long. i don't want it to become 2007 and thus hold onto these things for another year. i had a hard time finding the appropriate packing material and went completely ballistic. it was bad. i took out my frustration on a box, a cabinet, the floor, and myself. oh, and i kinda broke a vacuum. i just go crazy sometimes. sometimes i need to hurt myself to get it out. i ran up and jump-smacked the wooden cabinet. dumb. my hand hurt after that. but i still had a lot of anger inside so i then jumped up and landed face first onto the floor. kinda like (artificial) pro wrestling. my nose hit the carpet first. it's still sore. i felt some wet substance trickle from my nostril. snot. i was disappointed it wasn't blood. it just made me more frustrated. it was really bad. i was in a bad place. i just have a lot of steam i need to work off i guess. i need a giant hamster wheel so i can run around in my room and let it out. i used to act like that more often. i thought i should buy a punching bag and hook it up in the garage so i could pound away my anger/frustration. but then after going vegan, i didn't feel that way so much and figured maybe that kind of behavior was somehow connected to meat. i once read about something like that before... but it came back once or twice before and again today. it turns out it's just me. um, i kinda accidently hurt someone else too. it's one of those don't know your own strength sort of things. the brute cannot be gentle. i have always had that kind of luck though. always hurting people on accident. but i'm not even sure if it was completely accidental. i'm an asshole.

eventually i realized i need to calm the fuck down and appear somewhat normal. i went to the post office and sent off what packages i could. i then had to clean myself up because a friend is coming over for the weekend and i can't appear psycho. i think i was a little bit frustrated with many things, which overall adds up quite a bit and then this morning i just snapped over the package thing. i can't do this anymore.