you listen to the smashing pumpkins and you end up with blog entry titles like that! at least it matches my mood today. my teenage perception of things is creeping up on me. i had, and still do, this notion that first love is not everlasting love. if i'm not making sense, let me attempt to clarify. when you're very young and in love for the first or maybe second time, (teenager or early 20s) you tend to get carried away in the rapture of it all and are short-sighted. marriage seems like the obvious thing to do even though it's not necessarily the next step in the relationship. the next thing you know, (maybe within 2 years), you're 25 and divorced. thus, i have this idea that most people have gone through a divorce because when they were young and stupid, they got married, legal or not. after you go through the dissolvement of that first one, then you've grown up. your eyes are open. now you have a sense of self and have a firmer idea of what you seek in a relationship. now you weigh marriage more heavily. at least, i would hope so.

although it may be 'neat' to be 80 years old and to still be married to the person you fell in love with when you were 15 (i believe that may be the case with my grandparents), i just don't feel that first loves last. also, i feel that once people marry, their minds close. it's very easy to fall into the trap of your own tiny world with this other person. (i don't want to be close-minded!) when i was younger and my mom asked me if i ever wanted to get married, i clearly remember saying "no" and further in japanese, "i don't want to lose my freedom". when you engage in a relationship, you cease to exist an individual. you may continue to think of yourself as an individual, but fused with this other person, now you are seen by others as a couple and your identity has become inseparable from this other person. due to the skewed view i have, i am perhaps continually waiting for my own marriage of sorts to collapse so that my eyes will open and my adulthood will finally begin. not the kindest way to put things but it's an honest articulation of my viewpoint. true that the viewpoint was formed when i was not fully of age so it is an immature take on things, but i haven't really encountered anything to make me change my stance.