i left the house to a party all excited because i cut my hair today (after much debate these past few months but it settled down to it was time for a new look) and i was wearing the clothes i bought at new york co. (where i would never normally shop) for the first time. i put on my contacts and put on some makeup. i even put gel in my hair, which i never do. in essence, i got dolled up. i kinda felt like maybe this is the look i'm trying to find, the look for when i'm in my 30s. so it was kinda like the first day of school. i tried to look my best and i felt good about it. but then all those good feelings went away and i returned home depressed. no one had noticed these changes i made.

i didn't really talk much or to many people at the party because i was the outsider. that's how it always is. i am friends with my friends but i am not friends with their friends. my friend had maybe 30 people over, at least i suppose. i've never even met these people before. anyway, it gave me a lot of time to think. i looked around the house and thought about how much i want to have my own place again. my own space to relax in, to decorate, to do what i wish with. and i how i want to get rid of my things, get rid of clutter, to live in the minimalist manner. after leaving, i felt like i was all dressed up but with nowhere to go and i didn't want to go to a club or the movies. it's time to call friends and catch up with them! but who? i have no friends. the ones in LA, it's gotten just a bit too late to call some and the others are too tired. i need to expand my circle but i can't do that at work. just the way the people are spread out, it's nearly impossible to attempt to be friends with them and besides, they're all 22 and married with kids. or so it feels like. they're really not the clay from which i mold out friendships. so when twiddle thumbs and i got home, we looked up cafe in long beach i used to go to with aunt and her ex. while we were there, it was even more depressing in a way to be hanging out at a place i used to go to in the past because i am not moving forward. my aunt moves out of the area and i am at her old haunts? this is ridiculous! i need my own life. i haven't even been back for a year and i already want out. but i know i have to be in LA for a few years to setup a foundation for life again.

then i think i started thinking about my job situation and life in general. all i know is i have to put up with the way things are until i go to okinawa. once it's november, i'm pretty much free to do whatever i want with my life. i just have to make it through to going to okinawa in october. at this point i don't think i'll even have the money to go but i can't let that stop me. that sure as hell didn't stop me from going to new zealand. i came home broke as but i did it. live the freakin' dream. the point is this: november is the end of a cliff, it's a big black tunnel and i can't see the light at the end of it. my life is completely open to change then but change to what? i can take any path but what path do i take? i am not satisfied but how do i achieve satisfaction. this is the question i cannot answer. therein lies my frustration. at the cafe we started writing out a list of things we need to do immediately and that was more about paying off bills and stuff. the list of plans for the future was embarrassingly short. apparently neither of us are satisfied with life as it currently stands nor do we know to achieve satisfaction. drowning with stones attached.