well, i did it. i accomplished my goal for this week which was to tell my old crushes that i liked them. (see entry "you think you know her".) that's over with now, thank god. i feel really blue though. it could still be attributed to my annual april blues. this last person i told was the one person who i thought wouldn't take it so well. that they might even freak out bad enough that they would stop being my friend. that didn't happen but the day isn't over yet. i realized that whenever i hang out with this friend that i am melancholy. out of all my friends, i'm just the most sullen and non-talkative with this person. right now i can't say why that is. maybe it will come to me one day. i guess that melancholy/quiet is one of my personalities and it manifests itself the most around this particular friend. as we were hanging out, i kept thinking, 'ok, tell her now' and again it was so damn hard for me that i waited until the absolute last moment. i was such a dork and couldn't say anything close to what i had rehearsed in my head. instead i said that i thought she already knew so i just kept quiet. she said she didn't and it's like hello, she finds out how many years later. that was pretty much it. except that she did say there has been something weird between us. i guess it was because i was keeping my distance because i had something to say but couldn't. we didn't really talk past then because that's when we parted ways. whereas the other people i told, we talked for a bit after that, well at least enough for me to feel ok about things. so in that sense, this was the most "that's it?".

i suppose this reveal had the least amount of closure and that's really because it has the most history. i told people in reverse chronological order. i really don't want to talk specifics but i started liking her when i was 13 and it was the first girl i ever liked so it was a very big deal to me. teenagers are so fucked up in the head that everything about that period of my life could be labeled as baggage. i think i just got rid of my last bag. i hope so. though i just can't shake off this blue feeling of "that's it" and it bothers me. maybe i just feel this way because it's finally done, the excitement is over. something i wanted to get off my chest for almost 16 years has finally been released and now i'm stuck with "now what?". what else is there for me to do in this life? i'm sure there's many things but they're not coming to mind right now. it's that whole i'll be 30 this year thing. i wanted to be free of all the shit from when i was a kid. except for confronting someone who molested me, (and i've mentally blocked out most of those years anyway so i can't be completely sure but something happened damn it and i don't feel good about it), i've done that. i am now free. free to do what i'm not sure of but i will just make the best out of each day and situation.