last night we went out to a club and hung out with a friend we haven't seen in a long time. i thought i'd come home after midnight and blog about that and that would be today's entry. instead i went straight to bed. it's 15 hours later now and i'm home from work and in this wave of depression. i was fine until the last few hours of work. they just sucked. i had to stay longer than usual to take care of some immediate business that required my attention. i took home all my phone/device chargers 'cos i have a feeling that i'll be on call this weekend. i just feel like something's gonna happen. it's raining and i think that also affected my mood. plus i spent my downtime at work reading some depressing shit going on in other people's lives and i absorbed some of that. after work, i was driving home feeling like dying, feeling like the old me who would fantasize scenes of suicide. like being sprawled out over the bed or floor with my suicide note being a word or two carved into my body. once i wrote "statistic" on my arm. this time i thought of "fake" on my chest. then i got in the house and checked my email and just started to deflate from work and cool down in general. as the minutes pass my mood levels are getting better but i'm still blue in a way.

i lied in my "1 down, 1 to go" entry. it's not 2 friends i had a crush on but never told, it's more like 2.5. there was 1 large, 1 medium, and 1 small crush that's more like .5 than a 1 to me. maybe that's not the best way to explain it but i don't want to do a ratings system on the intensity of my feelings and all that nonsense. with my head clouded by this depression, i wrote to the .5 to let them know. again, my silence all these years was purely because i did not want to adversely affect the friendship. we're older now so just deal. (yeah, pretty much these stupid crushes were when i was a teenager so now you can understand why it would've weighed so heavily on me to not fuck up my friendships. i'm talking back in the days when i thought i was bi and every guy i liked was gay and every girl i liked was straight which really fucking depressed me.) right now i'm in a "fuck it" mood. fuck it if i lose all my friends. fuck it if i change jobs, geographical setting, etc. fuck it if i lose everything. heliosphan thinks i must be in some sort of 12 step program. yeah, i must've created one myself. 12 steps of silliness. no, it's more like, "how to lose all your friends in 10 days" but i'm going for a record 4 days. damn this sucks!!! trust me, if i was into any sort of substance besides music, i would be completely out of my fucking mind right now. how's this entry for honesty? "fake" no more. richey manic "4 real" in my arm now motherfuckers.

p.s.
i think i failed to mention that i always get suicidal depression in april. that's why i fucking hate april. there's just too much history attached to the month of april.