...but i want it back! something stupid is bothering me. i should be asleep but i'm not. i should be asleep so that i can wake up early to prepare for tomorrow's meeting at work. but just before putting away the computer for the night, i thought i'd check my site's visitor log. recently i've tried implementing a few measures to prevent hotlinking and bandwidth stealing--the problem these days is that internet users never learned netiquette. i was checking my log and things looked pretty good, the measures are working. then i came across this: a message board thread.

it's a shock to the system. over a month ago in the message board thread they posted a pic from skullblog but didn't link to the entry so the comments are out of context. (it's from the entry when we went to dave navarro's book signing.) they think the pins we were wearing are logos on our shirts, that we work for "the company". then they insulted our looks by saying that the guy we posed with has dropped his standards (took a pic with author neil strauss who later authored a pickup book). on top of that, someone photoshopped our heads and replaced them with bimbos. like the book written by the author we took the picture with, the message board is about picking up women so i don't expect there to be a high level of intelligence in the users there and few are probably even of age. afterall, those that can are too busy to teach and those that can't have time to tell tall tales of their achievements. therefore, i really shouldn't let it bug me but...

my thoughts on this go several ways. first of all, i really wasn't bothered by it at first, just really surprised that someone is linking to my picture and even further that someone photoshopped it. but it sat there in the back of my mind and it boiled quickly. simply, my feelings were hurt. i used to have thick skin and could brush things right off but this is different. this is on the internet and that's the biggest public space in this world. second, i was really disgusted by what i was replaced with! i know i'm not all that but if you're gonna replace me, c'mon, use someone who's not a leftover from the 1980s groupie scene!!! sometimes, i just don't get guys. what most women reject is what they consider "hot".

i really wasn't upset over the specific insults. i was upset that the insults in general were in regards to a very happy time in my life and a very happy day. after i quit my job and left santa cruz, those 3 months hanging out in LA before i went off to try my luck in new zealand were probably the happiest 3 months of my life. it seemed like heaven especially looking back on it now. at that point i had reached a new chapter in my life and i glowed with happiness. others could just tell. the same could be said for the people i chatted with at the book signing. we had all come out of a shitty period more or less and were on the start of a fantastic new path. so much joy in the air. we were having such a great conversation that out of nowhere neil asked to take a picture with us. in turn i asked to take one with my camera too. the photo i posted reminds me of those 3 months and that happiness in the air that day. then some strangers ragged on it and ruined it for me. i won't be able to view it in the same way anymore.

my other train of thought was on celebrity-ism. i contemplate this sort of thing everytime i get a little taste of what it's like to be in the public eye. though i might have dreamed about becoming famous since i was a kid, i really can't stand actual fame. celebrities put their asses on the line every day. as soon as you become a little bit famous, you are obligated to act as a role model and you are open to scrutiny. i love parodies and impersonations. i never understood famous people who get upset over such things. we all need laughter and it's so much more of a compliment than an insult to be parodied/impersonated. i also never understood famous people that sue the tabloids. if you sue them you are saying you believe that they are credible enough for people to believe it. who believes tabloids? you should not be concerned with those people. my little photoshopped image is nothing. from this now i can laugh at all images forward.

this all leads me to contemplate the nature of this public space known as the internet and how much of myself do i allow to be made public. i'm an extreme kind of person. i think that public engagement on the internet should be completely anonymous or completely revealing. by completely anonymous i mean just that. no names, no images, just your words are out there to be evaluated. the only pre-judgments that can be made of someone then is of their grammar/typing instead of generalizing them by their pretense and attempt to be clever with nicknames/handles/icons/avatars/etc. i've tried and it doesn't work. the other extreme is to be completely revealing. act as you would in a room with a group of people or face to face with an individual. the problem is that there is always going to be someone who will take advantage and start negative shit whether it be insulting, stealing, stalking, whatever. that is why cloaking of one's self is needed in any public space--that is, any space outside of your head. the degree to which you filter and disclose personal information is up to the individual. i've taken measures to remove any highly personal information that might exist on the internet to protect myself from whatever ill evil-doers may engage in but i can only remove so much. i'm not going to remove all pictures of myself from the internet for fear of photoshopping. fuck that! although, putting black lines across my eyes sounds hilarious, the only time i ever consider removing photos is when i get creepy email from people who have some sort of fetish. yeah, gross, i know. thank god i'm too old to get those emails anymore! (accidentally invited a deluge of creepy emails with that last sentence.)