ok, so i wasn't happy with everything brought to the table. i lied. i held back. i'm tired of holding back. i wanted a pure answer, one without my influence. but i just couldn't help but voice my thoughts on things current and future. all of them. my desires and fears all out on the table.

they spilled out last night. i wasn't sleepy but i had to go to bed to not fuck up my sleeping schedule. i hate just lying there with my thoughts. restless. what to do? nothing but think about things and cry. get up from the bed and do this somewhere else. at first i was laid out on the bathroom floor, crying. days ago i was in the closet crying. once i gained composure, i started to get up and i realized that i was just on the fucking cold bathroom floor crying. how pathetic is that? she's got me crying in bathrooms and closets. and i just felt upset at myself or something, feelings i cannot articulate. and so thinking about my state, at the pathetic idiot i have become, the tears flowed once more. then i was able to talk. somehow, i couldn't let the first day of the year go by without voicing things.

they spilled out this morning. the rose parade is going on in the rain? probably. i dislike parades and hate the rose parade. she on the other hand loves them. so i turn on the tv for her without her asking me to. before you know it, she is asleep and i realize i'm the only one watching it. somehow that sets off a trigger. this has been a battle of my mind versus my heart. with each crying session i am reluctantly dragging myself towards divorce. you can't force love to start or to end. why do i keep doing things for her? why do i care? all the shit i built up in my head to not care, to not do things, to be neutral, or even worse, from day 1 of 2006, to let the relationship level downgrade with each passing week, all that bullshit in my head needs to be wiped away. it's time for my heart to speak. and so it did. and so we had what i believe is to be the final talk. (for now--hahahhaha) now things are settled in my head. now i am comfortable. now we can move forward with our lives. i can't comment on anyone but myself. but now i can start to feel good again.