i have accounts with two of those myspace sort of places (yes, myspace is one of them) for connecting communities and establishing global cyber friendships. there is great potential but i hardly ever utilize them because the reality is that it's just a popularity contest. users send out mass friendship invitations to strangers just to increase their friendship numbers. what does this benefit? only the user's ego. i reject all such invitations. instead of simply 'accept' or 'deny' options, i was i could click 'fuck you'. for these online communities, i signed up to check it out and more than a year down the line i'm still not sure if there is a benefit. it's great to expand your horizons and network of friends but there's something about cyber friendships that is so 1990s to me. c'mon, let's move beyond that--what do these communities have to offer that's different from the past in a beneficial way?

from the other angle, it's a great way for a circle of friends to congregate in one space online. as i've never really been a part of a circle of friends, i find it a weird concept to view all my friends and their friends congregating in one space. being able to read the messages back and forth is like spying and leaves me icky. rather, i am a planet and my friends are like stars in the sky--they may shine apart from others in their respective constellation but they are only part of one constellation and being a planet, i am not part of the constellation. as i age, i pass by the various stars but it may not be the same set of stars for long as my deep friendships don't have a long shelf-life. i may remain friends for years, but the same level of friendship will not hold.

the other aspect of being able to observe my friends and their circles via an online community is that whether i recognize it or not, i can get extremely jealous. i want to be everybody's best friend and with the online communities i can clearly see that i am not the closest friend of a given friend. seeing that you're not the #1 right hand (wo)man can be infuriating. at the same time, i want to maintain my distance and remain on my island. humans are social creatures and i like to do things together but there are many times when i would rather be alone. when you are alone, it's quiet (or loud if you like), the point is that everything is done the way you like it. you can do whatever you want, there is no compromising and dealing with the moods of others. or perhaps i just like to have an air of mystery and cloak (or even guard?) myself. i am not sure how to describe it. "i vant to be alone."