sorry for the crap title but i've realized that i am definitely connected to blogging. it is a part of post-human me. i ponder throughout the day what thoughts/activities should i blog about for the given day. lately, it's been a bit difficult. i could've turned skullblog into some really bizarre place where i've got multiple personalities having a conversation.

evil voice: you're an idiot.
good voice: yes, i have to agree on this one.
me: hey! what happened to "if you haven't got something nice to say, don't say anything at all"?
evil voice: that was the nice thing.

ahahahaah. see? could've been crazy. but i held back from that. sometimes these voices in my head (a totally camp version of "herman's head") exist because i don't converse with people on certain topics. there are just some matters that i'd prefer to get a completely objective opinion on but i can't walk up to some random person, sit them down, and have a go at it. the person could be completely nuts, which is exactly why i don't go to therapy (therapists are the nuttiest of all). but seriously folks (all 2 of you in the audience, thank you for coming), this blog exists for me to track my life. for me to remember things. an autobiography in progress. if it helps my friends/family to keep in tune with what's going on, that's cool. if others somehow come across this and are entertained, educated, or whatever it may be (positive i hope), then that's a bonus.

but back to me ('cos that's what it's all about). it's not good to hold back your thoughts or feelings. to bottle them. to have conversations with yourself or in your head like some gollum and smeagol freak show. (sure there is mental illness in my family, but i say it only afflicts the men. and if you think you're crazy then it's a sure sign that you're sane.) so what i shall attempt to do now, is to textualize what i have been going through this week. it's releasing the cap off a bottle corked for years. naturally i have to hold back some details to protect the innocent.

"relationships bite" - the doom generation
there has been some shit going on in my personal life. very personal. i seriously thought the end was drawing near for my relationship of 10.5 years. i was thinking that the end could culminate in a grand sarcastic blog entry about how to tell if blah blah blah but that's not what this entry is today. (unless of course you still would like some laughs then please check out why you should continue to date me.) lately my partner has been depressed and going crazy over different things plaguing them. i've been helping them deal with it, a piece at a time. lately they confessed to another issue they've been dealing with that is adding to the madness. i learned of 2 things: of an affair attempted before and deeply regretted and the current developing of a deep crush on someone else, a one-sided beginning of love.

my partner obviously had quite some time to process these thoughts, feelings, and actions but it is fresh information to me. like i blogged before, i had clues but was clueless. i handled the news well but then the days following were all about processing the information and talking it out for further clarification of what this means and how it affects us and it was terrifying. basically they want to turn this into an open relationship or keep me as a backup. (the more we talk the more it's undecided as to if they want a one time experimentation or if we are to do a trial separation.) if people can be convicted for plotting and attempting crimes then i should also be justified for wanting to break-up for plotting and attempting relationship transgressions. not only that but this 'have your cake and eat it too' attitude is such bullshit. i am not a safety net!

when i watch movies and listen to music, i sometimes imagine if i was in such break-up situations and came up with some of my own but it wasn't real, just fantasy. this is real. how can this be real? how can i escape this or turn back time? a sinking feeling. i was digesting this in a concentrated formula. i wanted to process it as quickly as possible to hurt only for a short time and move on quickly. i grieved for the past, i grieved for the present, and i grieved for the future. for all of it has been altered now and i don't know the outcome and i wanted to be prepared for whatever's next.

(extremely small things to shed off my chest: the irony of the past come to the present. when i was on the family trip 3 years ago, i bought cheap ass rings for us while the other was well, attempting an indiscretion. about 1 or 2 months ago, i was wearing said ring and it shattered perfectly in two. at the time i was going to jokingly blog about the significance of the broken ring but decided it just wasn't worth blogging about. the irony of the past come to the near future. while i should be pissed off and tearing out my hair, i'm still out shopping for little gifts i promised myself i would get for them in the 12 days of christmas/8 nights of chanukah sort of spirit. i'm still gonna do it, but given the new light on the relationship status, i'm cutting down my original present list to simply 3 days.)

dealing with this has been doubly painful because i was losing 2 people in 1, my partner and and my best friend. it's my first relationship so i didn't get rid of all that drama from my system as a teenager. instead, i thought i was lucky to have avoided that when i was at an age where i couldn't cope with it and dreaded the day this would come in case i still hadn't evolved enough to handle it. (yes, i was one of those teenagers completely engrossed in the smiths and swore by the lyrics. all the other goths were happy robert smith types but i was the one truly depressed inside.)

didn't i do everything right? or everything i could do? things weren't perfect, i fucked up at times (there's no manual for life) and could be a bitch (we all have our moods), but did i not give everything i had to give? didn't i offer what one is supposed to? love and support and nurturing and all that crap. i never cheated physically nor emotionally. i never was violent. i never abandoned. and yet, it wasn't enough. i cried over not understanding in this respect. for a few brief moments the feel good therapy of talk shows would kick in and i would say to myself that if the other person can't see and appreciate what i have to offer then they don't deserve me. but i couldn't hold those thoughts for very long. i tried to be angry and couldn't hold that for very long either. sometimes i had to slap myself so as to gain composure so i could function at work and drive my car.

all i want is for the other person to be happy, whatever that means. if it ends, it ends. i couldn't help but talk to a few people about it as it was overwhelming for me doing everything i could to function normally at work, then breakdown at home. it was hard to get up and get my ass ready for work. i just didn't want to go. then all i asked of myself was to hold it together long enough to make it to the holiday weekend. i so wish i was angry instead because that is much easier to deal with than all this damn crying. then there were also the guessing games with other people, sensing something's wrong but thinking i'm the asshole. and then there's the people who were like cheering on the break-up, not really but the evil voice... and the people who knew more clues than i did and never shared but i wouldn't want to get in the middle either. (sorry to those i called and broke down on the phone with, i never do that 'cos it's very awkward when it happens to me.) i was also pondering all the times friends looked up to me and my relationship for lasting so long and i never wanted such adoration. i don't want to be a fucking role model! (i'd break up just to NOT be a role model.) etc. etc. that was the grieving part. next comes the healing because i can't go on like this.

last night came new thought forms: if these last days of 2005 are our last days together, why make them miserable? why not make them happy ones (or at least tolerable)? so i have to try and make the best of things and not go with knee-jerk reactions and not be sad. also, this isn't a break-up, this is a fucking divorce. why so be so foolish to just throw everything away hastily (like break-ups) without bothering to try to repair the relationship (such as in marriages)? and no, i'm not going to withhold their christmas presents either or ruin the holidays. i'm not gonna turn into a raving bitch over 'plotting and attempting' when things might be able to be worked out--it's not over yet. i observed that in both circumstances (of plotting and attempting), there were certain conditions existing, namely, driving each other nuts by living in a cramped space. why not address such issues and then see how things change? at first i was like no way am i gonna even try to repair anything if the end result is the same because that's just prolonging the pain and i don't want to torture myself. but again, that's my knee-jerk reaction. my head is clearer now. i'm also thinking it's better to get away together to work on issues then to get away separately and work on issues. if together these issues cannot be solved, then yes later we can work on them separately and decide then. for now though, we should try to work together as a unit, as we always have. for better or for worse.

i still have to process some more the new thought forms before i start putting whatever cash i have into getting a place for us but it's a step. just don't know yet where this step is leading. is this the end or a bump in the road? both hurt. both suck. but i've always thought the first 10 years are the hard 10 years. you've got all the getting to know each other and working out compatibility and then the 7 year itch (which i've learned is very true) and the pressures of outsiders who wonder when you're getting married and having kids, etc. then later down the road is the falling into routine and becoming too dependent on each other and two persons completely melting as one to the point of suffocation. what joyous things i have to look forward to. actually, i saw warning signs years before and have always been working so as to not let this happen to us--we are two people and should be seen as two separate individuals. that is also what makes break-ups hard: breaking the routine and becoming independent. that and having to pay higher taxes as a single person but the government sees me as single anyway.

*whew* that was a lot out of my system. i spoke these things last night and feel much better today. now i've written it and i feel even better, almost normal (though most would argue i never was). this took me about 2 hours to write (multi-tasking). now it's out in cyberspace to be archived for posterity (i.e., for others to laugh at how silly i am). maybe this time next year i'll look back at this and join in on laughing at how silly i was.

4:30pm postscript AKA kalavinka gets some balls: cleaned up some typos and added a few words to make grammatical sense. looking over this entry, it's pretty ridiculous that all this time i've been so accommodating and written the vague "they" and "them" when it should clearly be "she", especially since everyone who knows me knows who my best friend for the past 11 years has been anyway so if they don't know about us or refuse to accept our relationship then you are really fucking dense and close-minded! sorry girl if this pisses you off that i'm not being accommodating anymore but you better watch your back 'cos r kelly's about to write a song about you too. ah, here comes the anger. where were you when i needed you earlier this week?