oh my god. last night was horrible. i had another panic attack. i think i was subconsciously so freaked out about this place that it physically took the shape of a pain in my stomach that rose to my chest. my chest was tight and i couldn't fall asleep. i didn't know what to do. i tried various things which only made it worse. i tried to relax, be calm, breathe deep. no good. i tried to go outside and breathe fresh air several times. no good at all. every time i reasoned with myself that i knew what the cause was and what i should do, when what i did did not help, it only elevated the panic attack. just awful. i prayed to god. twice. i got in and out of bed. i was getting pretty desperate. i imagined i had a syringe of liquid that would knock me out. i thought i should start to carry one of those around with me.

eventually i went down to the lounge section and thought that if i could just be by myself, i could figure something out. i thought maybe i had gas. i tried to burp the pain away. it wasn't working. i started to freak out and wanted to crawl into the fetal position on the floor. i didn't know what to do. i went outside to a restroom. i didn't have shoes on and spotted a pair of dress sandals too small for me. i made them fit. i hobbled to the restroom. i felt like my clothes were suffocating me. i took them off. i was sweating. it wasn't doing any good. i eventually was able to take deep breaths and calm down by looking at myself in the mirror. i focused on my eyes. i tried to not go crazy. i tried not to slip.

when i was calm enough, i put my clothes back on and left the restroom. i wandered to the 6 bed dorm rooms, thinking that one of them has got to be empty and that the door would be unlocked. i was right. i went in there and crawled up on a bed. as soon as i put my head down, i felt better. i got cold so i put a blanket on. i told myself i would take a nap, then go back to the barracks. when i woke up, i was amazed that i had actually fallen asleep for awhile. it could've been 5 minutes, it could've been 1 hour. i have no idea how long or how short it was. i was just glad that i was able to fall sleep and i was no longer in a panic. as soon as i put my head down and the pain went away though, i was amazed because i knew what was causing the pain. the damn barracks. being appalled at the sleeping conditions.

i would have loved this thing as a kid

cut to this morning. no shower. had breakfast. had to wait around for hours and hours. driver said we'd leave at 1:30pm. probably didn't leave 'til around 2:30pm. to kill time, we walked around. there was a swing tied to a tree. that killed about 5 minutes. there was this other contraption of ropes and pulleys that went across the rangitikei river. you could get on it and pull yourself across the river. hell, why not. that killed about 20 minutes. at the end of the day, you could not pay me to ever stay at the river valley lodge. i am so pissed at that place and kiwi experience for going there. they should stay in taihape, the more main town which is 30 minutes away. going to river valley lodge was a detour. if they stay in taihape, they could offer river valley lodge activities as a side trip for those interested. the lodge does pickups in taihape anyway. otherwise it's just forcing us to stay there and adding income to their pockets that they don't deserve. i didn't do the river trip, maybe they're wonderful for that. as an accommodation they are absolute crap.

tonight we arrived in wellington. thank god! finally we are here! civilization at last! we're at base backpackers, using up our final sanctuary dorm coupon. why are the base kitchens always in such bad shape? no one cleans up after themselves! damn 80s babies. the room has no hooks either to hank up your coat or towel. the showers only have 1 hook. it could use 2. the dryer in the restroom closest to use doesn't work either. there's no signs or a directory of where the kitchen, laundry, etc. is. now i see why some say that this is the worst base backpackers. but it's still really good. miles beyond river valley!