i talked with my mom and our schedules just don't mesh. it looks like the only time we can go to okinawa together is the first half of august. i don't enough vacation time to spend the entire month there but that's what my mom wants to do. i guess i'll just leave early then. it was really aggravating to discuss travel dates with her. it always is. she only considers her schedule. it's always about traveling when she and my brother can, never when i can. my schedule is never taken into consideration so i had to be really firm about it this time.

i'm also pissed that i've been rushing things and making it urgent when it turns out i won't be going for months. i rushed my passport for nothing. what a waste of money. i pushed the buttons of my office place for nothing. i hate asking them for time off because they always give me a hard time so they can feel like they have some power when they have none.

the whole thing just irritates me. especially some of the comments my mom made, like maybe i shouldn't go at all and we should just let my grandmother die out. i think we should go over there and examine all the facts before we make any decision and stop fucking treating me like i am not your daughter! i am your fucking byproduct and you have passed on to me your relatives, your culture, etc. don't treat me like i am some adopted thing you took in. don't tell me that i don't need to see my grandmother on her deathbed. i do. i haven't seen her in 7 years. you've seen her more recently than i. is this how you want me to treat you when you're old and withered? do you want me to tell my byproducts they don't need to see you or not even visit you for years on end? do you want me to end your life when your pacemaker needs a new battery? do you want me to throw you into an elderly home and never visit? do you want me to make decisions about your life when i live an ocean away? don't tell me that i don't need to travel when i can see it in pictures as you travel the world! don't run away from me in public when i am two years old and all i want to do is walk next to my mother! don't tell me when i'm four years old that i am not your daughter and try to throw me out of the house into the street at night! don't ignore me when i am eight years old and tell you that i was molested in a public restroom while you played tennis in the park!