this is going to be very rambling and perhaps not make sense but i want to be a ____ person. i think about ways to better myself. to improve aspects. i try to see things to improve, and i try to improve them. it doesn't mean i'm successful or making progress, it just means that i try and i hope to make progress. sometimes you can't see what about yourself needs improvement. this may seem really silly, but horror-scopes can be useful in this respect. whether you swear by them, don't give a shit, or read them every six months for fun like i do, horror-scopes give a general description of the basic personality types that are out there. they have a fair list of tendencies that are good in a person as well as listing those that are not so good. i think a lot of the stuff written is all about flattery and they throw in a little criticism to try and balance it out. criticism is a tough thing to swallow but i try to focus on it so that i can realize the negative traits i possess and reduce or diminish them. one thing that i read about my sign is pretty funny: "they despise being analyzed or categorized". i think this sentence sums up very well how i have been feeling lately. recently some friends of mine on separate occasions have said things that bothered me. they were very casual comments and they weren't said to bother me, they just happened to stick out.

these comments have to do with how others see you. specifically, how they see qualities in you that you don't see at all. or to put it differently, when you are upset at how others perceive you. that's really what it comes down to. you may be upset because it is not what you are trying to project, it is not how you really are, etc. for me it's sort of a is that what you really see?, is that how you really feel? it's more of a surprise at someone not knowing certain details about you because friends are supposed to know you. i especially don't like it when others project their own life onto you. meaning, qualities they don't like about themself they see it in you, resulting in them disliking you for those same reasons, regardless if you possess those qualities or not. or what is probably more common, when a person sees traits in you that they like about themself so they like you, regardless if you possess those qualities or not. phrases you might hear would be "i see you as a younger version of myself". however, as for the above examples, it bothers me more when others are projecting things in me they don't like rather than do like because negative vibes cause trouble.

this all goes back to the line "they despise being analyzed or categorized". i think the comments bothered me because i felt like i was being analyzed and/or categorized. i can look back on my life and point out many times how i get upset over others categorizing me. it is how i have always been, trying not to fit in a box. even filling out silly forms where it indicates to only check one bothers me, especially ones with a race/nationality/ethnic category that are so narrow as to not have 'mix' or 'other' as an option. i just fill those boxes half full, hoping they will get it. online versions are tough to deal with. you can't cross out things and rewrite them or half fill in boxes. so it all comes down to trying not to feel bothered by being analyzed or categorized. letting it pass without incident. this will be very hard to do but it is something i must work on.

the site that i took the whore-o-scope quote from has some other really interesting comments. i'm not saying it was 100% amazing or accurate or i'm gonna chart my life by this stuff. it was just there was a high ratio of interesting things. perhaps as much as 1 sentence per paragraph was something to take note of. so i'm trying to look at these lines that stuck out and how they apply to me and to look at these things from another person's perspective. i'm trying to see how others perceive me and i'm noticing how things i say/do can be taken the wrong way. i'm beginning to understand how things i say/do that are neutral to positive could be perceived as something quite negative. these days i don't care too much if i'm misinterpreted but i do care when it comes to friends or someone i could be friends with. i tend to talk too much to the misinterpreter to point out where the misinterpretations were made so that things can be made clear. this usually results in the person severely disliking me and thinking that i was arguing with them when i was merely trying to get the facts straight. the more the other person seems puzzled, the more i try to throw in analogies and humor to get my point across. rather, when i do this i am digging a hole and i don't realize how quickly i am sinking. this is the sort of thing that i am beginning to notice and care about. i shouldn't care if there is a misinterpretation, i should take care not to care, if that makes sense.

to change this aspect though feels like it would change the essence of me. there must be some way to metamorphosize while staying true to the essence. hmm. i'm not sure how to tackle this. anyway, i suppose i should care about others' perception in general because maybe one day someone in a higher authority might take something i say/do the wrong way and i could get into trouble that i don't want to deal with. it could have negative effects down the line. this is something good friends have warned me about before but i never bothered to ponder it seriously because youth doesn't give a shit about the future. now i'm starting to care?