i'm more upset and distressed than i should be right now. another moment of crying while i blog? this has got to stop. recently i went to dinner and i ran into my ex. it was funny because i didn't recognize her at first even though i was standing right behind her. it took a minute. since then, she's occupied my mind and it's driving me crazy. in my dreams, in my waking thoughts, or in my subconscious to the point where i accidentally called my girlfriend by my ex's name last night. man, after that i couldn't get out of there fast enough.

yesterday i was hanging out with my girlfriend and some casual conversation started to steer the wrong way. it was really stupid too. a stupid topic. nothing to be upset over. comparing ice skating to roller skating. but, it was a passionate thing and i couldn't really take the situation seriously so i was uncontrollably laughing. nothing i said or did helped of course. even now, any picture i paint will only make it worse. my girlfriend started to feel bad, like i was trying to upset her or make her feel stupid or something. things that her ex would do. and so i realized that maybe this is the kind of behavior that made my ex- turn on me. maybe this is me. maybe i'm a fuckup. maybe i'm just not girlfriend material. maybe i just fucking suck at everything i do. anyway, i'm spiraling downward to i miss my dog, i miss my dad, i can't do anything right, i want to bleed, i don't want to leave the house, etc. this thought pattern has to stop. it will not last long. but i can't let it start again.

Posted on March 27, 2010 @ 10:29 AM | Email This Entry | Comments (0)

my puppy lost a fang today and i feel like such a bad mommy because i can't find the plastic bag with his other baby teeth that my mom gave to me, the ones he lost when he was with her. damn! i'm not sure what i'll do with his teeth but i still have my wisdom teeth that were extracted and i think it'd be cool if somehow i could make necklaces out of these teeth.

Posted on March 20, 2010 @ 11:59 AM | Email This Entry | Comments (0)

cuddles is now roaming free. i had fenced in the kitchen area with access to outside via a doggy door (actually a cat door). however, these days he has grown so much that he now can climb over the fence! there's no containing him anymore. as much as i want to keep him contained, that's not reality. gone is the tiny puppy. now i have a crazy teenager. i just hope that the housebreaking lessons will stay with him. that he remembers to go to the doggy door when he is away from the kitchen. i hope that when he is upstairs, he holds it and makes his way downstairs and to the doggy door. i don't have the confidence. i don't want messes all over my house. one step at a time but it's such a big step.

Posted on March 19, 2010 @ 11:01 AM | Email This Entry | Comments (0)

first day of the 365 self-portrait project

over on flickr, the web site where one can store your photos and share them with others, there are a couple groups devoted to a project of taking a picture everyday for 1 year. i joined the one that is about taking a self-portrait. i've thought about joining for awhile. i've thought about what kind of photos i would take. i thought if i created some themes, then it would help with creativity as well as making it more fun to help the time pass quickly. thus, i've been brainstorming for over 1 year. that doesn't mean i've been seriously brainstorming all this time and have my whole year planned out. far from it!

one of my themes is to imitate or take shots inspired by album covers. i had thought of "rid of me" by pj harvey, in which she's in the shower with hair wet and whips her hair in this awesome action shot of hair and water. setting this up for a self-portrait was not easy for me, especially as i wanted to go fully manual and i don't have a tripod. i was a dirty girl and really needed a shower. i want to cut my hair soon. thus, it was the perfect time for me to take the picture and start the project. that's how it came about that as of today, i'm doing the 365 project.

Posted on March 18, 2010 @ 8:37 PM | Email This Entry | Comments (0)

ah! i just got back from walking my dog and some stray bit him a couple times! i took my dog out for a good long walk to get rid of all his pent up energy and to tire him out so he stops pulling on the leash. towards the end of the walk, we came upon some strays. they looked well so maybe they just ran away from home. 2 german shepherds. we came upon them just as we reached a corner and i could see they were not on a leash but i expected to see an owner behind them. there was no one. that's when i got a bit nervous about the situation. they were interested in us and followed us as i crossed the street. they wouldn't leave. a car started to turn and was waiting for all of us. i wanted to communicate that these aren't my dogs and i need help in getting rid of them.

once we had fully crossed the street, i let them smell my dog. #1 was kind. #2 was a jerk. he sniffed my dog's butt then bit him! there was no warning. i grabbed my dog, tried to calm him down, and redo the situation. i let the Shepherd smell me, then reached over for his collar--no tags. then i let the Shepherd smell my dog again and he bit again. after that, i had to get out of there and not let him keep doing that to my dog. of course now i realize that i should've let my dog smell him first so my dog could dominate him but in the moment i was a bit scared. first of all, that's 2 german shepherd's with no owner in sight. what if the biting intensifies? how am i supposed to protect myself and my dog? i just didn't have the confidence.

i picked up my dog to walk away and had to scare away the mean dog because he was following us and i wasn't about to put my poor puppy back on the ground to be dog food. i'm glad the stray was scared of me and listened enough to back off and not follow anymore. the strays were roaming with a chihuaha whom #2 also bit after they left us alone.

after 1 block, i apologized to my dog. i want my dog to trust me and be social with other dogs. i'm just sorry that i put him in that situation. then at the next block, another stray! my dog was shit-scared and didn't want to go on but luckily this other dog was much friendlier so things were ok and we were able to walk by and walk on without any bother. when we reached home, i could breathe again.

Posted on March 10, 2010 @ 7:05 PM | Email This Entry | Comments (0)

yesterday i was a super dork. i must've been very spaced out because i bought movie tickets for the wrong day! in anticipation of my relatives visiting, i bought movie tickets for when they would be here. only, today i realized that i bought the tickets for the same day, not days in advance. my tickets are no longer valid! they were for freakin' yesterday! all is well though as i called the movie theater and they said i could trade them in. also, last night i burned my hair. yes, i fucking burned my hair. i was being lazy when reaching over for something at the bar and instead of getting up, i leaned over and that's when my hair went over the candle and *whoosh*, a nice amount got burned and the place was full of the stench of my burnt hair.

Posted on March 9, 2010 @ 11:07 AM | Email This Entry | Comments (0)