all these emotions! it's crazy! i am home at my new place, alone. i've been practically living with my ex- for the past 2 months. but now i'm back and it's time to continue the unpacking process and get settled in. since i haven't been home in so long my plants have died for sure. this was a losing battle. they were dead after the memorial weekend road trip. i got some groceries, took out the trash, had some dinner, then cleaned up the place a bit. i did some minor cleaning in the kitchen and bathroom. it needed it in order for me to feel clean with showers and preparing my food, etc. then i started looking at the posters i brought back with me. my poster collection throughout the years. i separated ones that belong more to my ex-. i also put in a pile the posters i don't mind if i get rid of. that's what i'm gonna decorate my place with. so i won't mind if something happens to them and when i'm done with here i'll probably just trash them. mostly they are movie posters and bands i'm not fanatic over anymore. i still like the music but i'm just not some obsessed young person who has to collect everything just for the sake of collecting.
but back now to the ongoing saga of my long term relationship uncoupling. the symbolic act i wanted to do was a bonfire. my ex- came up with the idea originally. she had started to write a story of what she has been through with the affair but never finished it. it was just for her. spy that i was, i came across it and read it. it hurt a lot to learn the details i had been pondering. i had been trying to piece together the timeline of what happened and the story filled many gaps but also gave me more questions. she never finished it though. she was upset that i had read it. she said she wanted to burn it once it was done. i liked that idea. recently i decided to write my own story. i wanted to burn it and some other things i've written down. in preparation for the bonfire, in the past week or two i had written out a list of things i am letting go of. of times when i was hurt. i want to let go of that pain. in my anger i also wrote out an introduction a couple days ago to the bonfire. only, i was in such a moment that it wasn't an introduction so much as my last attempt at jolting my ex- awake so she'd be done with that loser once and for all. now that i don't need to jolt her because she did it on her own, i warned her that some of the things i want to burn were before the exorcism. she called getting rid of him from her phone an exorcism. she feels spent like that. i understand. i've gone through a lot since then as well.
instead of a fire, we looked over these things and we ripped them up together. we let go of the pain and the past together. we forgave each other for everything. we love each other. she had to go to a family function and she knew i'd be gone when she returns. i watched some netflix, packed up my stuff that had been there for these past 2 months, and went home. before parting, we briefly talked about a future reconciliation and what we'd be willing to do once that happens, if it happens. things that she wasn't willing to do before, she is willing to consider them now. it's just amazing. seriously. i had already told her that the next person she dates and is serious about, that is the person she is meant to be with but there might be some non-serious people inbetween. i didn't expect that the next serious person would be me. but that she is now willing to consider these things she had never been willing to do before, it's really just overwhelming. because if we did get back together, wow, it could be so beautiful. she told me that her thoughts on these things she was unwilling on before has started to change. that shows how much she's changed recently. perhaps we've both changed. perhaps we will grow together again in the future. perhaps our lives were just running parallel for awhile. i realized while we were hanging out yesterday that i really love having her as a friend. my best friend. and i realized how important it is to enjoy the same foods as your partner. perhaps that's part of why this has been painful, that our lives were so different when we first met but over the years they became very similar. now they are going to become dissimilar once more. that could be sad but getting to know each other again could be sweet. only time will tell if she's the one or there's someone else for me.
