a belated valentine's weekend you might call it but i took my girl out during this last weekend of february to a city most in this area would probably never go to unless they absolutely had to. thus, it was the perfect getaway. i booked a hotel room and we had a very lovely time. we tried cupcakes from a "cupcake wars" tv show winner (not vegan, too much frosting). we did my favorite thing, to fall asleep after sex and then wake up to more sex. it couldn't have felt more perfect and yet somehow i managed to tarnish perfection.

my girlfriend asked if i would watch the academy awards with her at her place. it might turn into a little party. i thought we'd have some munchies and some drinkies and we could laugh and have a good time because i'm not really into the oscars. on top of that, i'm really not into who wore what (i still hate the industry that made fun of bjork for her beautiful swan dress) and the red carpet stuff, which is what we mostly watched. even though i may not be into this particular award show, i can't stand that they cut people off in their speech and allow certain categories to get more speech time than others. just because less people in the general public are interested in editing or special effects and such rather than say best picture or leading actor does not mean they don't deserve their moment on stage to say what they want to say, whether it be thank yous or a rant. so when my gf and her friends are also making fun of the categories the mass public may not care as much about, when they are wanting them to exit the stage, i'm not happy about it. these people in the film industry, it's their dream to be recognized with a nomination or a win sometimes. for me, my dream at one point was to do something to win just so i could snub the industry in my speech and tell them to piss off. hey, everyone has a dream.

overall, i think the awards are bullshit so when i was asked if i thought a performance was oscar worthy, i said i'm not into the oscars and as i was pressed further, i just let my mouth flow as it so often does for things i don't like, for things i hate. i don't give a fuck about the oscars. and with that i killed the relationship. i didn't realize it then until i went home to a message. and i responded...too much. then i woke up to read something which angered me because i felt misunderstood, that i was seen as placing a value judgement on my gf when i was not. i couldn't carpool to work in the state i was in so i drove to work and let my anger flow out in tears. then i had trouble with work and a million text messages later i was driving home with tears of frustration. my gf wanted to meet to talk but i couldn't even think about such a thing because i would spend all day at work focused on the what ifs instead of focusing on work. i needed time to chill out again then i could think about it. instead, i got shut down. maybe i just don't explain myself well.

my gf hates that i step on eggshells with my ex when we communicate and now i'm treading on eggshells with my gf. i know she loves certain things i don't so i try not to say anything too bad about it other than i don't like it and maybe why. i clearly stated why i don't like the oscars and i get slammed for it, that i was being rude. that it hurts her because she loves it. i didn't realize she loved it that much that i can't say how i honestly feel about it. hell, there are things i love that my gf does not and sometimes i am hurt and feel insulted that she doesn't like it but i let it go. we just like different things. and just to be clear, i sent a little list of things that we have different opinions on. but it was a value judgement to her. *sigh*

after lunch, i felt like vomiting. now i've been drinking and i feel like vomiting. the alcohol has turned my anger to sadness. and i feel like such a loser. a failure. i'm crying and my dog is licking my feet because he wants to play. happy fucking valentine's month. i am really not fucking looking forward to being yelled at. *sigh*

Posted on February 28, 2011 @ 5:30 PM | Email This Entry

i'm starting to regret getting such a short haircut as it is leading to too many comparisons to my gf's ex. also, getting tired of the jokes of my attraction to latinas. *sigh*

Posted on February 27, 2011 @ 10:45 PM | Email This Entry

i don't know why but i sorta wanted one last meeting with my ex, i guess to close the final chapter. so when the opportunity came for such a thing, i didn't shy away from it though i was willing to be respectful to my current gf and not go at all. the small talk chit chat was pleasant enough. the nicetries were said. it wasn't too bad. but then i couldn't walk away without for sure trying to maybe resolve something or say something that would really close the chapter and that's when she started crying. well, overall, i was quite satisfied with the last meeting. even if there's still some issues, we have both moved on. that is the important thing.

Posted on February 25, 2011 @ 8:39 PM | Email This Entry

she feels like i'm acting like i'm her mother. i'm not. i was just trying to find out what's wrong and help. i can't do anything right. *cries* i had actually been wanting to ask her what her school schedule was so i would know when not to call/text. instead, i can't ask because she will think i'm checking on her but i'm not her mother. fuck...

Posted on February 7, 2011 @ 10:14 PM | Email This Entry

i hate phones. i have hated phones since the late 1980s. i don't like talking on them. i try to avoid them. that is why it is ironic when i get jobs that require talking on the phone or when i purchase a cell phone of my own volition. no really, i hate phones. mobile web, email, and even texting are great. but talking? i hate phones. i prefer in person or written communication. i hate phones.

tonight doesn't change that one bit. the day started off well enough, cooking for thanksgiving and then being a bit lazy. while in the middle of cooking, my girlfriend was a dear and ran to the store to get something for which i only needed a few teaspoons of. the remote for the gate is acting up so i kept checking the gate, to see if she had returned but was having trouble so that i could try another remote. kept checking and checking and nothing. finally she was back and at the door and i never even noticed her coming through the gate. so then entered the lazy period watching tv. after that, i sent my girlfriend off with vegan food i made and then i spent a couple hours at my family's. i thought we'd reconvene at my place to help her study for a big exam. i'm planning little practice questions. i'm trying to come up with a quiz to print out for her to take while she's at my place.

my house is a bit of a mess and i really need to do laundry. i want to make it cleaner to provide a better study environment and to have it decent enough to have potential renters come by and check out the empty room. i was washing dishes, trying to clean up my kitchen counters, doing laundry, and all the while checking my phone every 5-10 minutes for signs of when she would be back. i didn't take any photos of all the food i made and was thinking that when she came over, we'd probably eat again so i'd take pictures of the food then. this is our anniversary weekend and as i'm alone in the house with my thoughts, my brain is trying to come up with something good for our broke asses. i'm thinking a nice dinner and doing some things we've talked about doing but have not done. things that have meaning for us to symbolically move on from the past and to come together. more and more we are growing closer and futures are being dreamed of but then in a second something stupid happens and it all gets fucked up.

as time wore on and there were no messages, i thought either this is going to get late or she has decided not to come over afterall. i didn't finish cleaning but was getting tired so i took a break to watch some tv while playing games online and while the dog slept next to me. my phone was in my pocket and after awhile of nothing i checked and was shocked to see i had like 4 missed calls from her and text messages. i started to read the text messages and knew i was in deep shit. i didn't even check the voicemail before i called her. what could i say? i've never had anyone hate me for phone issues like this. so we were on the phone for what seemed like ages, mostly silent and completely awkward. i can't let you hang up mad at me but i don't know what to say... don't know what to do... drive over now in my robe and take the chance that you actually will let me in?....put the phone on speaker and try to browse the web from the phone so i can answer her questions as to what my schedule will be like tomorrow.. it's really hard to say... it's not like i was ignoring her, late picking her up at the airport, or was even out of touch for hours or even a fucking hour... but still, i'm the asshole. i don't live by my phone. a missed call is a trifle thing when you're not on edge for trying to connect with someone to exchange information, to schedule something, etc. i guess i wasn't on edge like that because i was preparing for her arrival, an arrival which was not to come. i guess she was on edge because this arrival was not confirmed for her.

i don't always notice the phone alert me of calls or messages. it's usually on vibrate because the noises can interrupt work, can not be heard at all at times when i have music/tv on, fucks up my listening to music in the car because iphone tries to hijack bluetooth for everything, and the sounds can plain annoy me. but this is improper phone etiquette... the dog didn't even notice my phone's alerts and he'll bark even if a mouse farts next door. but i'm supposed to be on top of it. as much as i have tried to be a good girlfriend, my job really is to constantly check my phone and send updates. a friend once asked me what it's like to date someone you don't live with. this is what it's like. abandon your phone for more than 5 minutes and you're in the dog house with a lot of explaining to do.

we hang up, i go to check on my laundry and slam the washing machine because i'm so frustrated and don't know what the fuck to do, waking up the dog.

so phones, i want to just officially notify you of how much i hate you. *tears*

Posted on November 25, 2010 @ 9:44 PM | Email This Entry

i went with my girlfriend and her family to disney's california adventure. i haven't spent that much time with her family considering how long we have been going out and the seriousness of our relationship. that's why i welcomed this opportunity to get to know them better. however, we didn't spend that much time with the family. it wasn't very long until we split up into groups and it was just me and my girl. i'm not complaining though as i love spending time with her. also, i finally did a flight of tequila shots at downtown disney. i tried blanco, añejo, reposado. i'm used to blanco. i would say that añejo has a bit of spice to it that's too much for me and reposado gives a kick. or maybe that's reversed. *hiccup*

Posted on October 24, 2010 @ 11:25 PM | Email This Entry